Want what you have

As I write this blog it evolves.  Primarily experimental or experiential, depending on my writing and who is reading it.  What I include are items that strike my fancy weighed by my mood or circumstances. 

Where we live and how we live are important to many of us.  Creating creature comforts and having the best life has to offer is a priority for many, a reality for the lucky and dreams for others. 

There are destructive emotions we should avoid for our daily health and wellbeing.  They are emotions that can deteriorate and replace a positive outlook outside of events or occurrence that impact us that we cannot control.  For example:

• Envy:  wanting what others have. 
• Jealousy: anger at what others want to possess.
• Resentment:  remorse for opportunities passing by.
• Bitterness:  unable to let bygones be bygones.
• Greed:  possessiveness without sharing.
• Pride:  giving importance to others opinions
• Arrogance:  smugness in accomplishments
• Superiority:  thinking one is better than others
• Vanity:  putting appearance before anything else
• Ego:  destructive self perception
• Emotional:  going from one mood extreme to another
• Conceit:  self absorbed promotion, better than others
• Cruel:  punishing other people or animals; heartless
• Pretentious: braggart, opinionated, loud, boastful
• Intolerant:  rigid boundaries that are limiting
• Prejudice: biased, narrow judgment, racism, stereotype
• Narcissism:  self-motivated by  the obstruction of others 
• Difficult:  demanding, narrow, unrelenting
• Selfish:  protecting opinion and possessions
• Defiant:  Going against the rules, radical, aggressive

There are so many better characteristics we should aspire to replace or offset the destructive ones:

• Humility:  putting others accomplishments ahead
• Modesty:  non bragging on achievements
• Forgiving:  allowing others wrongs to be undone
• Charitable:  giving of self or possessions
• Understanding:  open-minded, permitting others views
• Accepting: allowing other's differences
• Easy going:  flexible, liberal, adaptable
• Admirable:  looked up to by others, a positive example
• Generous: fruitfulness in actions and charitable giving
• Humanity:  putting others first, caring about people
• Philanthropic: using personal resources to gift others
• Positive:  outlook, attitude, viewpoint, example
• Balanced: composed, stable, adjusted, together
• Compliant:  obedience of rules, embrace guidance
• Inquisitiveness:  wanting to learn, accept new knowledge
• Calm:  steady, understanding negativity, even tempered

We're not perfect by any means.  That is why, I imagine, religion, godliness is what some of us aspire to grasp onto when our personal resources are depleted.   I'm not saying having beliefs in religion is a cop out.  What I am saying is having those beliefs gives us permission to look for a better approach to living and life.

We should be careful not to sway too far the other way.  There are some qualities, held in check, that can be good for us.  In many situations, we should have one stabilized with another. Being too far in one direction can hamper or restrict one's life, be harmful to our health, or increase our stress levels:

Shyness:  anxious,  introverted, fearful, withdrawn
Timid:  passive, non-assertive, quiet, silent,
Submissive:  giving up, allowing others control, avoidance
Silent:  Mute, noiseless, inaudible, still hushed,
Intimidated:  allowing others control, afraid, soundless
Victimized:  harmed, casualty, fatality, prey
Rigid:  steadfast to position, belief, opinion, immobile
Placid:  docile, unfeeling, cold
Stressed:  out of control, inability to meet needs, crowded

Ride along with me on this journey. 
Don't tackle everything at once.  If you have heard or sense what others perceive in you, good or bad, right or wrong.  Take one destructive point and take an opposing quality.  By doing so, we will move towards fulfillment, contentment and wellness. 

I thought of this blog when originally thinking to consolidate some of the items I promoted because they attracted my attentions and desires.  I've noticed how well blogs that promote other brands, products, fashions.  So, I included them.  Then I got to thinking that wanting things, looks, materialism can be destructive and how it is all about balance.  For example, if you want a vacation, you may still have obligations or financial restrictions that won't allow you to just book it.  However, having goals are fueled by those desires that drive you to want to reach those things, places, looks.

I think it is healthy to admire things without allowing envy to enter the equation.  That also allows us to give permission to share ideas and embrace others' ideas.  It can bring acceptance or dissatisfaction. 

How we handle it individually is what makes our world open to new possibilities.  Don't beat yourself up because you bond with something pleasing to your eye or opens up new ideas. 

Here are some images that appeal to me:

Big windows where light can seeps in.  Lots of seating for lots of friends and family to hang out at.  I love the soothing blend of the calm colors with the stone and woodwork.

 



 

 

 

Sometimes you just have to get out of the house to be in a peaceful, quaint setting.  I like meeting new people and it is often in a setting with coffee and big comfy chairs.  Sometimes it is just reading the newspaper, a magazine, enjoying a coffee someone else made.

 

 

Solitude is beneficial.  Being extroverted with history of a hectic household, demanding job, putting demands on myself, it is just nice to get away.  A walk on this path is not far off and within reach of me.  Being reminded is healthy.  Being afraid of bears and animals intruding on my wanders is a reality even if it is not necessarily a risk.

 



I won't get into the drama (this time at least) surrounding my vehicle saga.  I've had a Mini Cooper S and a Mercedes and driving a practical Hyundai Elantra right now.  This falls under the "wouldn't it be great to have" category.

This reminded me of when I did the design of my back deck, drawing it out by hand, this was very similar and included a hot tub.  I was a solo-mom at the time and considered all the factors of how practical one would be.  Visions of a bunch of little kids jumping in and splashing around interrupted my image of quietness, glass of wine, soft music.  I was already accustomed to adding another plate or three for dinner.  I wasn't prepared to share something like this.  Then the reality of daily maintenance and ongoing upkeep eliminated it from my list.



I am an admitted clothes horse.  I tend to plan what I am going to wear in advance.  I imagine gaps in colors, accessories and the like to give me an excuse to go shopping.

I am not a grab anything throw it on type of gal.  I do spend time visualizing my wardrobe, accessories, purses and shoes to put together an outfit for usually the next day.  Even if it is just hanging around the house or running errands.  That sounds extreme as I write this.  Well, we all have our perks and quirks.

I rediscovered Polymore because it appeals to that part of me that likes to imagine looks put together.  The challenge is finding things I already have that can successfully be used to achieve these looks.    
 
Ramping up for the Calgary Stampede which will be upon Calgary early July, my focus has circulated around fashion must haves and fashion looks to go hand in hand with the Country vibe for the summer.



Happy Fathers Day

Hats off to dads everywhere!  So much attention goes to moms because we are the ones who endure 9 months of pregnancy, give birth and often considered the primary caregivers.

The importance of fathers has been under appreciated by history and stereotypes.  However, most of us know first hand how important our dads are in our lives. 

As life unfolds, we get older and they pass on.  Often it is only then there lingers many wise words and wisdom shared.

I loved my father's stories.  As his elderliness was settling in, he often repeated them.  Then there may have been concern for his forgetfulness and a hint of exasperation on having to hear it again.  Now I look back to realize each time there was  a golden nugget to cherish and learn from.  

I really miss my father.  Yes he was tough when I needed to be taught a lesson.  He certainly displayed strength in difficult circumstances.  I think of him as a hero, handsome man with such dark eyes that did seem to sparkle when he was laughing.  He wasn't a teaser - he left that to my brothers.  He wasn't always there, he was a provider.  He was wise and could drill down to the heart of the matter.

I'm lucky.  I had my father for many many years.  As his body started to betray his vitality, he made up for it by wanting to talk.  He liked when my mom was out so he would call any one of us kids to talk, share those stories but most of all shield us from hurt, mistakes we made, and be brave for us when our own resources were depleting.  He was there when it counted and I needed him most.

As a kid I was disappointed if he didn't come to my skating competitions or tests, yet he always made it to the shows, bursting with pride.  He was important in his job and in those days kids didn't telephone their parents.  The very few times I did,  he would come home and say how impressed everyone was with my articulation or manners.  He was proud and a proud man.

Dads are not knights with armor to protect us against harm.  They have faults, they have weaknesses and life doesn't always hand them everything so they can, in turn, provide for family and hand down to children.  However,  we should respect how important that role is to everyone in society.  We should help those who need help being a father.  Everyone benefits.

I think my dad, for all his accomplishments and a tough journey to get there, appreciated and lived life to be remembered with honor and love.  I know he had regrets and may have had a few unfulfilled wishes.  Yet, he wasn't afraid to stand up for what was right and expected great things to come from all of us kids, and then his grandkids. 

I am happy to have had such a father.  Without him, I wouldn't have learned as much or nourished by his encouragement.

He did a pretty good job.  He matters now as he did back then.  He did leave a legacy and one of them was me.  Yes, I do feel sadness some days and would love to hear one more of those stories.

"A daughter needs a dad to be the standard against which she will judge all men."

~Unknown

 



MOOD swinging

Every day is a new day and a new beginning.  What we do with our time is important.  It is one of our most valuable resources.

Yesterday, I talked about getting into the ZEN of living life.  Taking a day to goof off, do nothing but what strikes one's fancy.  We should all have a power down day.  Rethink, regroup and regain momentum for living life to the fullest.

After I wrote the blog about doing nothing but relaxZEN, I made up for it in the evening.  I'm not nocturnal by nature, nor am I an early riser.   Last evening after hubby and I watched an episode of the final season 7 of Sons of Anarchy, I painted a flower pot for the garden, scrubbed the floor - yeah, I know, really related eh?  I didn't mention I was swigging the wine to fuel the creativity and boost the energy.  Admittedly, it hampered my productivity today somewhat.

By golly, I realized, I truly am in the middle of everything:

• Middle aged
• Mid career
• Mid life crisis
• Mood swinger
• Menopausal
• Mother
• Magnificent

It wasn't a complete waste because I spent a number of times on the phone with my youngest daughter, who moved to Vancouver last August, got a job in 10 days with the top law offices and was let go last week ... something about restructuring, consolidating and seniority decision making.  Right after a booming, glowing performance review the month before.  Yep, that's life.  She'll be 21 next month and is smarter in many ways than I was at her age.

We had a really good chuckle when I referred to myself as the "Fired Master" and she called me the "Fire Queen".  She's already had a number of calls and interviews lined up.  I'm thankful that she calls me every day and when crisis strikes it can be multiple times (it used to be typically boyfriend related, but she has an awesome beau now).

Today, it was about weeding the garden a bit, moving flowers around and touching up the flower pot from wine-induced painting outside the lines. 

When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping was my slogan in my 40s, when hard work paid off with high career which meant hard decisions.  I work now, but it is shift oriented.  I spent my 30s raising kids while climbing the career ladder.  I spent my 40s recoiling from divorce and remarrying.  Now that I've hit 50, I want everything to be about balance.  It doesn't matter any more if I have a title.  What is important is doing a good job .... taking what I have preached to my kids for years:  it doesn't matter whether you're the janitor or the boss, do a great job regardless!

Oh, I better get going.  I have a sizzling dinner on the BBQ:  boneless, skinless chicken that had been marinating in a jar of gluten free Satay sauce with white potatoes and salad.  I took pride in using the fresh herbs I started growing last year that makes the mouth water and adds such magnificent flavor.

Great news about chocolate considered a dairy product - I didn't realize that chocolate was part of the daily food group.  Who doesn't love chocolate?  (Anyone who isn't menopausal and gives a rats ass about diet).

I guess my mood today is more about being helpful and healthy.  On that tone, I added favorite blogs to Meanderings.  There are some that have been favorites for years (i.e. Animated Woman and Rodney Pikes) with a few newly discovered to share.  It goes with the helpful, healthy mood today.

relaxZEN

"When you've done the technical part, you're then into the joy, the zen, into being.  Technology no longer exists for you.  You're then into the mystery of the thing you're doing."

 

~William Shatner

I had a number of things to do today on a day off.  However, I did think to myself yesterday that I would give myself a day of nothing.  Nothing to do, no chores, no coffee with friends, no work, no thinking - notta, nope, not gonna, nevermind.

So what I did instead was go to Polymore (which I hadn't been for months) to create a look and feel for doing nothing but relax and be in the moment. 

I used the word Zen in my post title and realized that there are probably a number of mutations to what the word really meant, so I looked it up on the handy dandy Wikipedia:

Zen
Zen is a school of Mahayana Buddhism that developed in China during the Tang dynasty as Chán. From China, Chán spread south to Vietnam, northeast to Korea and east to Japan, where it became known as Japanese Zen.


Zen emphasizes rigorous meditation-practice, insight into Buddha-nature, and the personal expression of this insight in daily life, especially for the benefit of others.^[3][4] As such, it deemphasizes mere knowledge of sutras and doctrine^[5][6] and favors direct understanding through zazen and interaction with an accomplished teacher.^[7]


Huh?  I thought it was all about being at peace with oneself and one's environment.  I guess I have a little bit more learning to do.

To share my expressiveness today, this is what I created on Polyvore (when I should have been doing something else: housework, paperwork, etc.)

The one thing I did do was take my dog, Buddy, for a walk.  We both enjoyed it. 

"My blogging life is basically goalless.  I like the zen nature of that, and paradoxically, it improves results."

~Seth Godin

 

 

Speak up or shut up?

You can't help but read about Jian Ghomeshi from Canada.  There is a lot of news surrounding one of our media types named who has plead innocence to numerous allegations of sexual harassment. 

Does speaking up harm your reputation?
It got me to wondering about the women who spoke up.  There is certainly safety in numbers ... being made easier when it wasn't just one whistle blower but several.

Is lodging an official complaint a detriment to your career?  I would imagine that being the first one brave enough to come forward was the trickiest.  Putting oneself up to the microscope is intimidating and scary. 

Unfortunately, society puts that person under a great amount of pressure and scrutiny.  We all see it play out so many times, its no wonder that there is deep reflection and struggle before stepping forward.

For every one person who blows the whistle, how many haven't?  What about the stories that don't come out?  The ones about people who have similar experience but not involve well known figures like Ghomeshi or celebrities like Cosby?

I created a new blog that is a bit more anonymous than one that has a greater audience.  I want to be able to write about things that mattered to me but were not associated with who I worked for or related to my career.  I am quiet about my identity.

Having said that.  I am bothered right now about an announcement I just heard at work.   Recognition in expertise.  Among them, was this young male colleague that made sarcastic offensive comments to me on a regular basis when I first started.  So bad, that those within hearing sucked in their breath, widened their eyes and looked at me to see my reaction.

He thought he was funny when he slighted my height (I'm short), made underhanded jokes about my age (I'm old enough to be his mother) ... you get the picture. 

I was new to the organization so I didn't want to start off my career going under the trouble maker or whiner umbrella.  Even so, the comments cloaked under humor were offensive and he should have been reprimanded. 

I'm not going to judge those within earshot for not doing anything.  They were not the object of this person's sorry humor.  Perhaps maybe they had been and thought I'd be strong enough to do something.  Even though their reaction clearly showed how unacceptable it was.  I didn't cower from him, but nor did I lodge a complaint.  Hind sight, I probably should have.  Not because of the recognition but because he is being set as a positive example.  Little do others know.

I was probably right by standing off and not doing anything, thinking that it will eventually catch up with him, as it often does.  I was wrong to think that it wasn't my place to lodge an official complaint because I have a sense that people who get away with bad things are good at a number of other things. 

I had done something before.  Years back a female junior colleague came to me to confide about a senior male who had more than sexually harassed her, he had abused her.  I was considering leaving anyway thus I only brought it up on my exit interview when asked:  "what could have been prevented to make you decide to stay?".  I honestly told.  Nothing was done.  I was left, the offender stayed for years after.  It came off as sour grapes to smear someone perhaps.  Timing is everything, but the opportunity did present itself to say something.

Further along in my career in a much more senior position, I reported directly to a President of a company.  He was responsible for leading, ensuring signatures and carrying out its Code of Ethics.

During one conversation he voiced concerns about a person allowing personal problems to impact performance.  I thought there was an opening and it was appropriate timing to voice that I thought that this gal was a manager who started a personal relationship with a new hire, was a violation of our Code of Ethics.  I spoke up not using that terminology simply expressing concern because the "victim" was a subordinate, non manager who ended up with a broken family - a wife with a newborn, betrayed,  asked the guy to leave his home.  Looking for a place to live, etc. impacted his work performance poorly.

It was clearly a breach of Code of Ethics everyone signed.  That executive didn't do anything.  One could contemplate it was because the offender had been with him for 15 or so years and he had directly helped her climb in her career.   

Sadly, the anguish expressed was from decreased performance, not whether it breached any code.  Unfortunately, everyone else saw them leave on breaks and sitting in a parked car together.  It sets a tone culturally.  I remember his answer that several young people had met and married at this company.  I didn't argue, I got that he couldn't distinguish the difference in the situations with two consenting adults.

How difficult is it to separate a personal performance with poor judgment.  One can understand where it may come from.  However, companies take a no nonsense stand when drugs or DUI situations arise.  It just seems so much more difficult and sensitive with personal relationships aligning with company policy.

Do I regret bringing it up with my boss?  For my own personal beliefs, absolutely not.  Because I signed the same Code of Ethics the others did, absolutely.  What is the point of having the clause that a boss cannot have an affair with someone he directly manages or is senior to? Regardless of gender.

Sadly, companies pick and choose who they may make examples of.  They may have been considering getting rid of one party anyhow, so they find an excuse to get rid of the person who brought the matter up.  Economy, decline in business, yada yada yada.   Thanks for your contributions, best wishes for your future.

What saddens me most is that the person who is offended enough to try to right a wrong is caused so much anguish. 

One can't contemplate how bad things are going to have to get before someone does something ... sooner than later.