Saturday, April 16, 2016

Deal makers or deal breakers



I'm a mom with three beautiful daughters and I share the advice that I constantly reinforce:  understand the deal makers and deal breakers in any relationships.

It applies to woman of various ages.   Take all the complaints of a feminine kind, on the men that become part of their lives.

It is time to stop complaining and whining.  You are your destiny.  It is within your own determination and boundaries that set the limits to the man or men you allow to be in your sphere of consideration as to whom you willingly embrace a relationship with.

I am talking about whether you go online and go on to a dating site, or whether you are a millennium woman or a mother of one.  What you both have in common, with the exception of the older lady who is impracing life on a new path solo with the men options before you, or a young 20-30 year-old-something that has moved beyond the dating scene and beyond tangling your heart with a prospect boyfriend.

Do you really know what you want?  Pleasssseee don't be cutting yourself short for a man who is breathing and who says he's looking, waiting, or willing to embrace a real love relationship.

Its time to take stock, regardless of age.  Reality has to be completely and comprehensively taking stock.  Throw off the candy coated eyeglasses before you set your sights so high.  Seeking a romantic relationship is not all about listing a tall list of must haves which I call deal makers, and listing the deal breakers.

I'm divorced, happily married to my second marriage with whom is what I consider and nickname him as a hunkster hubster.  What makes him so?  Well, I evolved over some times, that encompassed my prior ex-husband, there were qualities that allowed him to qualify to be the man that I would hand over my confidence, believe, dreams for  the forever-after.

The first go around, it wasn't like it was the wrong route.  He met many of the checkpoints that my sub-conscious told me that he was the right one to cast all of my preconceptions and dreams behind.  As a 20 year old he met the criteria that was important for  me at the time:


  • he was responsible and was reliable and provided security that is far more important in my 20s
  • I'd envisioned him as someone who was solid, steady, and someone whom could be relied upon.
  • He was the ying to my yang - he was the opposite of me and created a balance that I craved.
  • He was handsome, had some awesome qualities, was an ex-pro-hockey to my serious competitive figure skating ...so athletic balance was a given
  • He was committed to his career and showed signs that he was ambitious.
  • He was accountable and responsible.
  • He had his guy/guy activities, but he was relaxed about me doing my gal/gal stuff
  • There was a balance :: we were happy to hang out at home, yet there was a balance to socializing independent and as a couple

And so on.  It various.  What is your deal makes (solidifies the commitment to the relationship) and the deal breakers ( the red flags, identified as intoler-able behaviors that you cannot see yourself associate with over the long haul.  Things that you know right off as habits or weakness that your honest self says this is just not going to be something I can overcome and give acceptance to.

With this evaluation process, you can easily fall into a comfort zones of what are the deal breakers and deal makers.  What is important in those two identifiers, allows you to develop a backbone and admit to yourself that there are things that are red flags and by frank reflection, you determine that are just too large to overcome.

The easy deal breakers are dishonesty, drug usage, drinking to excess.  

You need to take notes.  What are the items that are the deal breakers or you:  those habits, poor judgement, personal habits (i.e. aggressive behavior, rudeness, disrespectful impression, poor first impressions) that sends someone to the "off" pile right away.

Evaluate the deal makers:  polite, embraces the other parties' family relationships (especially if it is communicated to be important), being true to your word, honest, not telling us what they think we want to hear.

I think it is critical, regardless of age :: someone re-entering the dating and relationship hunt scene or else those that are younger and entering the dating scene.

Regardless of which side you fall on to, there are complicating factors like recovering from a breakup or optimistically putting yourself out there.

You have no business entering the fold unless you have come up with a semi-list, I discourage an ever-ending list.  

Examine yourself :: if you are light sleeper, you may not able to be able to stand a snorer.  Then again, if there is respect, quality of interests, and agreement on not being into substance assistance (i.e. drugs or alcohol) .. be realistic that you can deal with snoring if there is no drugs, a lot of respect, gets along with friends and families, understand that snoring is just one weakness that is easier to accept than so many of the other destructful habits ones would have to deal with :: investigation into sleep apnea, or any other solutions available.

Having said all that, there are clear deal breakers:
  • drug dependancy
  • anger control
  • habitual dishonest (telling right from wrong)
  • exhibits of disrespect to what matters to you:  family, career desire, or any other matters of importance like the environment
  • you are expected to carry the weight of the relationship :: carry the values that have been identified as important

"What I am looking for is not out there, it is in me."                                          ~ Helen Keller



Be honest in yourself with what you are hoping for
  • Look for good qualities in a person:
  • honesty
  • where the word is a quality that they prioritize
  • has interests, involvement with long-term friends that they wouldn't give up even for you
  • politeness, manners, reliability
  • support:  altho they may not agree with your stance, they are going to back you
  • your greatest cheerleader:  someone who has taken the time to understand you, understands your weaknesses but wants to champion your strength

We rely on each other, vulnerabilities uncovered nor weaknesses disguised.  You should be looking for your champion.  The last thing you need is anyone who is not fairly trying to massage your weaknesses and champion your strength.


These are a few ideas on the dating scene.  The world is conditioned for a team.  You have the choice to decide what makes someone an advocate, cheering in your corner.  You don't need someone who is trying to belittle you or misrepresent who you are all about.

Do your homework.  Decide what are the deal makers and breakers, based on your unique DNA, to create your own unique formula on who should be there for you.  Accept that there are some that meet a majority of your criteria, while understanding what you can live with.

It would be nice to be swept off our feet with a magical partner.  However, once the first giggly dates are behind you, don't be snowed.  Understand that the perfection can wear off.  

Just decide what you can live with and live without.  If you are truly committed to meet someone meaningful, be honest on what would drive you crazy.  Open yourself up to the fact that some deal breakers will not always eliminate a potential date or mate .. because you've identified some qualities you understand bring more value and can cancel out the deal breakers.  

Write down, be honest, on what you know are a write off (can't hold down a job, can't manage finances, lousy job, won't do their share) or whatever else you come up with, then cross-reference the deal makers (punctual, respectful, likes having an extended family, doesn't clip the nail during a movie).  

At some point, you have to realize that some of the deal breakers are very small when offset by some great other qualities.

Have a notebook, write down the opposing forces:  in the long run, you will be thankful and discover that there are people or dates or relationships or possible spouses that can still make the grade.  

You just might find that some of your strongest qualities minimize the other's weaknesses and there is potential laying there, just waiting for you to take the leap of faith.