Thursday, July 30, 2015

Know thyself before thy marries


Seriously considering your life mate?  How does one really know?  I recommend you take a trip and travel with the man of your dreams ... see how he reacts over airport security, flight delays, luggage mishaps, hotel shortcomings, bathroom usage, where dirty clothes end up, eating schedule/choices, all-inclusive aka free drinks galore, babes in bikinis (gawker or glancer), packed airline, uncomfortable beds, seats; and just about anything else that spells disillusion or disaster.

I am constantly preaching to my 21 and 22 year old beautiful daughters that now that they're beyond puppy love or perceived deep love of their teens, relationships get more complicated as we take on more responsibilities in life:

  • EDUCATION:  University, training,
  • Commitment:  work, schedules, work out
  • Spending time with family
  • Moving out on your own
  • Extra curricular golf, hockey, football, TV channel surfing, remote controlling gamers
  • Money matters (going for dinner means you always pull out your wallet)
  • Temptations:  alcohol, drugs, fast lifestyle
  • Sleeping habits (blanket hog, snorer)
  • Friends (need a lot of boys nights out?)
  • Couple friends (healthy ones)
  • Goals in life
Those are all beyond the recommended conversations therapists, experts say you should have.  I knew of a guy who was engaged for a couple of years and when they were finally setting the date for the nuptials, he found out she never, wouldn't, ever have kids.  That was the opposite of his spectrum.  He was getting married because he had thought he had met the ideal mate to parent with and that was his reason for getting married:  to have kids.  In desperate reaction and panic, he started to host singles parties.  The guest list were single, eligible ladies, young or same age, in his own version of speed dating:  line them up and check them out.    I fell of the radar willingly and never did find out how his wife made the grade.  Yes, he's a dad and even goes by the title of Dadpreneur (not an uncommon title if you start trying to narrow down the likely suspect). 

This particular fellow probably had himself as priority in all boxes for ticking off.  Spend time with me, move where I want to be, my friends, my goals, my lifestyle.  I'd be surprised if he wasn't a blanket hog and snorer which means dearly beloved move yourself on to the couch if it bothers you when you aren't giving birth, getting up in the wee hours, to tend to his offspring.  The only pictures with the chip off the old block are photo ops where he looks like the world's best dad, meanwhile flying around promoting himself.

No, lol, I didn't marry him and that doesn't describe me.  Sometimes our radars are on high alert and we can sniff a doomed partner from a mile away.  Then why do we sometimes end up with someone so different that fit into our criteria?  Philosophical and spiritual leanings tend to say it is fate.  We sometimes fall for someone who reminds you of your father (mother) who you weren't that close to, but because we want a second go at it.  Chances are the qualities you dislike in your father will be cloned in that man of your perceived dreams.

I suggest you heed the warning that if drinking in a club brought you together, that may be the major activity you share.  Romantic notions of snuggling to watch Rom-Coms are ditched by speed, gun slugging, car speeding action movies (which is okay if you're into that ... if not, get used to it).

I recommend you pay attention to the little things....because the thoughtful gifts, flowers, candlelight dinners dim drastically by the second year.   Be skeptical that he is courting you and it may not last forever.  The acrobatics in bed can turn into napping on the couch and the Honey-DO list that never gets done.   Hope and prayer ... and then be thankful for the thoughtful consideration he pays towards you.  Don't fall for the looks, fall for the behavior.  Who wants to be with a man you have to fight over the mirror with? 


A tinkerer is great.  They're always fooling around with a tool and home to do it.  They are not as boring as you think.  He can whip up Thanksgiving Dinner, gravy and all, leaving you to set the gorgeous table, do the inviting, and look refreshed and relaxed to enjoy the wonderful spread ... not washed out, beaten, tired from spending all day in the kitchen.  Why is it that men who can cook look vibrant, have a sense of humor, fun side and care for others.  That's not macho some say?  Well the macho, testosterone is sexy and most appealing up to around your 40s but can be boring long long before then.

A caregiver is sexy.  He is up at the crack of dawn, rarely breaks a sweat and always be counted on to show up to work regardless of the sniffles, a bruise tooling around, or slicing his finger making you a key lime pie from scratch or a lime cocktail (one or two, not a dozen).  He has a job, a career, and a vision of who he wants to be and where he wants to end up.  He's not coasting from one room mate to the next, over staying his welcome, and moving on because he owes favors, money or both.



Why are you reading this for heaven's sake?  You know better girl.  You don't expect a man who will be so rich and into himself that he only needs a trophy.  You want to be someone, make a difference in your field, your passion, your career, your family.  Don't blame yourself that you only want a partner who wants to rise above it all and make a life you love and love living. 

"Courage is not the absence of fear; it is action in the presence of fear.  Bold people do what they know they should do -- not what they feel like doing."
                           ~Joyce Meyer



Yep, so get to it.  Stop imagining what you want:  remember that saying that goes along with the line of things happen to those who are busy doing, not making plans.