WITH CHILDREN: Listen, and you won't hear a pin drop

Creating the appropriate dialogue with teens and especially young adults who have crossed the bridge from "adulting" (current term by the bottom curve of Millennial) to land in the planet of responsibility and accountability can be a shock to some, depending upon the type of parenting they've received.

Looking at my life over the past couple of weeks

facing the uncertainty of what may lay ahead

where before if there were uncertainty, we talked it through together.

Right now, that is not an option

as my husband lies in critical care at the best hospital in the universe (ref:  www.bafound.org ) acclaimed among peers, heavily sedated and kept paralyzed to avoid more vasospasms REF: Wikipedia ::...

I've become reflective as a means of coping

Answering on Quora gives me the opportunity to give my opinions based on my own experiences.  Taken at face value.  No acknowledgement or acclaim other than some votes.

The one challenge that Millennial populace share is the ability to ask for or heed advice.  The stronger, more centrally planted know who and how to reach out for advice without hesitation.  

When one puts into perspective the parenting most Millennial have is their is a strong likelihood their parents were on the bottom curve of Baby Boomers, barely a blip before the slight hilly curve of GenX emerged.  

1960-61 was one of the worst years in history to be born:  squeezed mightily by Baby Boomers on the one side, with their Millennial children imploding on the other:  whom I dub us "The INbetweeners" and evolved a blog talking about YUPPYdom:  the attitude of those beginning to adult in the 1980s to beginning to have the start of the Millennial generation starting in 1989.



1961:  the same year Obama was born ::... squeezed by the free era of free love, drugs & rock n roll baby boomer older siblings>  We have a unique perspective by those who are never afraid of expressing their opinion, less possible to be heard from the noise of the bigger, louder generation of Baby Boomers. 

Listening to your children is the best gift you can give them ... and this is coming from someone who is affectionately called "Chatty Cathy" by the love of my life:  Hunkster Hubster.

Yet all those times, hours, I sat among the kids, their friends, I was really listening to them.  What was going on in their world:  their guffaws and giggles and snorts when I confirmed that I was pretty isolated in some ways as a child.

What evolved was really being talked to:  hopes, dreams, drama, dilemmas going on in their world.  Since my answers often came across as goofy and naive, the rave of laughter was roaring in our home.  That's about when the Hunkster Hubster would puff out his chest and give his take on the matter, in a nutshell, with very few words, spoken in either his very soft voice that made people strain to hear him forcing them to really listen .... or he could boom out a command that filled the house up echoing from the walls.  If it was a cliche movie theme, Buddy would be howling in the background! 

I don't think there was any question among our motley crew of dreamers, schemers and believers that they could have an important conversation with their parents; their parental unit as it was at most time, togetherness, on the same wavelength.  It became interesting when everyone was contributing ideas, debating ideals.

The Hunkster Hubster and I were both born in 1961.  There is a level of understanding, belief systems ingrained in us that really makes us uniquely opposite in so many ways, while harmoniously in sink in others.  Especially the importance of children.

From that unified approach, it has guided us when we felt there were few answers.  Like now.  It's just sad that I can't share it with him right now.

YOU can be anything!

You better believe me
This is very true.  
If you don't believe me,
ask my daughters about 
my son Kyle.

Prouder than the biggest lioness
Everyday he inspires me
by setting the example on 
how to be the better person
or the best version of yourself.

As a mother, it goes back to that
9 month relationship with that
baby in your womb.

Falling in love
When do you start talking to it?
How did you feel from 
the movements?

A womb
A gentle glide,
maybe back and forth.
Watch out for somersaults
because they can be the worse.

Motherhood childhood
If you are the mother of a child
you can probably understand and relate
if you are a child of a mother
there are many things to learn from her.
She didn't go to school for the job,
she wasn't told what it would entail, the
highs, the lows, the championships, the falls.
She knows it all
Yet she still is your biggest fan
single loudest cheerleader
Instant defender, protector, teacher, scolder, nagger.

Now
When was the time
when you stopped listening
and just started doing?
Somewhere between adolescence and
motherhood afterhood.  


Is faith belief?
When did you start losing faith?
When faith has been steering you all along.
Not in the way that you'd design it
or be all glitzy and for show.


Inner committee
Is it because you stopped believing
your own press?
Or do you believe that old press
was a mistake?

Know
Where you lose some of that inner glow
where enthusiasm and ideas blow
knocking anyone over in its path, 
or the fury if it didn't pass

Stop
The kick in the pants
self discovery talk
Was that with self or
glorious being?
An angel guide  on eagle wings,
takes you away from that place.

Glow
Maybe it is an inner mantra
that at first seems quiet
reflective
observant
learning
feeling
the
flow.

Flow
Ebbing towards a much calmer sea
from the beach
or the breaches of my mind.

Release
optimism, gratitude, creativity tide.
Allowing your instincts 
to be your guide.

Wisdom and growth
Maybe with more wisdom
grows the appreciation of the great things
that happen behind the spotlight
of a social media glow.

Gratitude is
creating an appreciation
like never before.
For the very best things 
that you can enjoy.
For free, out there, helpful, 
creative and pure.

Love of a dove
Spread those wisdom wings
and wrap those so dear
whom you love
with all your soul
like a beautiful dove.


Far reaching
High outtabounds
limitless, boundless
energy abounds.
Through the coming
of one
with your soul.

Awakening
Beginning to uncover
the real you.
Who was likely covered,
burdened, trodden so the
spirit may have fallen low.

Singing to others
by writing, tweeting, posting hello
to those who help make her grow.
Surrounded by talented by three
thousand times the speed of sound.

Faceless
Her audience, her readers and growing fans
don't quite know what to make of this
lady so grand.
With style, with grace,
with wisdom to share.

Ageless
Because of her age,
merely a number,
but because of it 
gathers many asunder.

Beauty
For beauty wherever and whatever form
is in tuned with the beat of what most want to feel
A champion for others, 
finding inspirational
clauses.

Beacon of light
To inspire, lighten a spirit, lift a mood.
To restore optimism to others
is a duty born
To stomp out hate, violence and/or fear.
To return to the important
things to hold dear.

Wisdom
Not money, not wealth, not even fame.
Can drown out the inspiration
many will claim.
As their right, their worth, and
wisdom reborn.

Fly
Let's spread our wings 
and let those gifts soar.
We can make a safer,
even more beautiful world.
We reach out beginning with one
and grow in affection and support.

Dream
among dreamers
because they eventually
become visionaries.
The ones that are 
easily discounted.

Ascend
Yet rise above the clamour and noise
where radios and televisions on mute or off.
The people's choices emerge,
sending messages out as a blurb.

Narrate
Telling a story
of grow and learning.
To instigate allegiance
to this yearning.

Unite
Of gathering
the still
yet like minded.
Forming a voice
that cannot be contended.

Fire and heat
The thermometer and furnaces
of hate, racial bias, violence and corruption
are burning bright
with heat to those who draw too near.

Taking steps
while they're stepping back
from the dreaded topics
of poverty and despair.
Like turning one's head
at a roadside wreckage.

Look
How can we be mere
onlookers?
Luckily, there are others 
who make us look and reconsider
our role in humanity, our planet, 
our young and our elders.


One thing I know as a mother is how gifted my son Kyle is with people.  Over 27 years, I have wondered how can I capture the ingredients and sell it for a whole lot of people who need to have a better attitude on life.  Be more thankful.  Appreciate others more.  Judge less.  

His sister called me to tell me the coolest thing.  It reminded me of a phenomena that is uniquely Kyle:  once you meet him, you can never possibly forget him.  Apparently, still so.

This sis of his called to say she applied to this hipster hangout for the trendiest of youngest group of Millennial explosion (22 or something close to that).
They instantly hired her on the spot, without not even 1/2 of a 1/2 of a percent of Bernie Saunders math, pause.  She was merely told, if you're the sister of Kyle, you are on our team without hesitation.

How's Kyle?
I forgot how often after school, or in summer months, I would meet some of his teachers, in the community, grocery shopping, doing stuff.  It wasn't uncommon for someone to walk up to me to ask me how Kyle was doing?

With an imaginative soul.
Can you imagine that?  It was amazing, yet as you drift along in this tide, you don't get a chance to really stop and take in that it is probably even a bigger and more unique gift than any politician could commit more than a decade in learning how to smile at people just right, giggle, chuckle or full body laugh.  

Kyle
just has it.
The "it"
YES, that IT
the thing we
all want

To be liked,
for being a really good person.
To be loved,
because he makes us want to be better.

We watch, we learn
He shows us that it isn't 
the toughest, the richest, the most obvious
who are the most talented.
It is usually someone who is gifted.  
Sometimes, even more less, 
discovered as a true treasure 
for our world.  

Lighting the way
Like a Nelson Mandela, 
not merely an Oprah Winfrey.  
The difference is obvious.
One dwells in the limelight
while the other is far away
from the spotlight.
A legacy of our times.
Like the Dali Lama who is still among us.
Or for some like me, fairly unknown, yet mysterious.

A lot of little somethings
So maybe that is something
worth delving into.
What makes one person so great
that others remember

Intention
Who wants that chance
to be the best of who they are NOT
diving deep into the talent
yet undiscovered.

Commitment
With quiet humility and dedication
one can only hope to make a dent.
Help one person out of despair.
Failing hope.
Growing disbelief.
Not looking back because
the wreckage is in front of them.

Inspire
How do you repair, restore faith,
uncover talent?
By cheerleading the unheard,
the unfamous, 
not infamous.

Explore
Exploring lands and cultures
without touching new soil.
That's what in front of us,
if you just focus on the most
beautiful, peaceful and hopeful
images, readings, teachings
stirring within new belief.

Believe
in yourself
in what you are capable
of doing.
Not yesterday, NOW.
Not tomorrow, NOW.

Images are all courtesy of Google from a GOOGLE SEARCH.  I would like to thank all the creators and give them tribute as one, easily found.

The tribute to Harry Potter is by design for two reasons:

1) The main character in "Goldfinch" the book that I am heavily engrossed in right now, is nicknamed "Potter" by his best friend.

2) There is a lot of excitement surrounding the release of yet another Harry Potter, to international instant acclaim, by J.K. Rowling:  a true inspiration for women everyWHERE as this century's #bestofeverything #womenofinspiration 

Deal makers or deal breakers

I'm a mom with three beautiful daughters and I share the advice that I constantly reinforce:  understand the deal makers and deal breakers in any relationships.

It applies to woman of various ages.   Take all the complaints of a feminine kind, on the men that become part of their lives.

It is time to stop complaining and whining.  You are your destiny.  It is within your own determination and boundaries that set the limits to the man or men you allow to be in your sphere of consideration as to whom you willingly embrace a relationship with.

I am talking about whether you go online and go on to a dating site, or whether you are a millennium woman or a mother of one.  What you both have in common, with the exception of the older lady who is impracing life on a new path solo with the men options before you, or a young 20-30 year-old-something that has moved beyond the dating scene and beyond tangling your heart with a prospect boyfriend.

Do you really know what you want?  Pleasssseee don't be cutting yourself short for a man who is breathing and who says he's looking, waiting, or willing to embrace a real love relationship.

Its time to take stock, regardless of age.  Reality has to be completely and comprehensively taking stock.  Throw off the candy coated eyeglasses before you set your sights so high.  Seeking a romantic relationship is not all about listing a tall list of must haves which I call deal makers, and listing the deal breakers.

I'm divorced, happily married to my second marriage with whom is what I consider and nickname him as a hunkster hubster.  What makes him so?  Well, I evolved over some times, that encompassed my prior ex-husband, there were qualities that allowed him to qualify to be the man that I would hand over my confidence, believe, dreams for  the forever-after.

The first go around, it wasn't like it was the wrong route.  He met many of the checkpoints that my sub-conscious told me that he was the right one to cast all of my preconceptions and dreams behind.  As a 20 year old he met the criteria that was important for  me at the time:

• he was responsible and was reliable and provided security that is far more important in my 20s
• I'd envisioned him as someone who was solid, steady, and someone whom could be relied upon.
• He was the ying to my yang - he was the opposite of me and created a balance that I craved.
• He was handsome, had some awesome qualities, was an ex-pro-hockey to my serious competitive figure skating ...so athletic balance was a given
• He was committed to his career and showed signs that he was ambitious.
• He was accountable and responsible.
• He had his guy/guy activities, but he was relaxed about me doing my gal/gal stuff
• There was a balance :: we were happy to hang out at home, yet there was a balance to socializing independent and as a couple

And so on.  It various.  What is your deal makes (solidifies the commitment to the relationship) and the deal breakers ( the red flags, identified as intoler-able behaviors that you cannot see yourself associate with over the long haul.  Things that you know right off as habits or weakness that your honest self says this is just not going to be something I can overcome and give acceptance to.

With this evaluation process, you can easily fall into a comfort zones of what are the deal breakers and deal makers.  What is important in those two identifiers, allows you to develop a backbone and admit to yourself that there are things that are red flags and by frank reflection, you determine that are just too large to overcome.

The easy deal breakers are dishonesty, drug usage, drinking to excess.  

You need to take notes.  What are the items that are the deal breakers or you:  those habits, poor judgement, personal habits (i.e. aggressive behavior, rudeness, disrespectful impression, poor first impressions) that sends someone to the "off" pile right away.

Evaluate the deal makers:  polite, embraces the other parties' family relationships (especially if it is communicated to be important), being true to your word, honest, not telling us what they think we want to hear.

I think it is critical, regardless of age :: someone re-entering the dating and relationship hunt scene or else those that are younger and entering the dating scene.

Regardless of which side you fall on to, there are complicating factors like recovering from a breakup or optimistically putting yourself out there.

You have no business entering the fold unless you have come up with a semi-list, I discourage an ever-ending list.  

Examine yourself :: if you are light sleeper, you may not able to be able to stand a snorer.  Then again, if there is respect, quality of interests, and agreement on not being into substance assistance (i.e. drugs or alcohol) .. be realistic that you can deal with snoring if there is no drugs, a lot of respect, gets along with friends and families, understand that snoring is just one weakness that is easier to accept than so many of the other destructful habits ones would have to deal with :: investigation into sleep apnea, or any other solutions available.

Having said all that, there are clear deal breakers:

• drug dependancy
• anger control
• habitual dishonest (telling right from wrong)
• exhibits of disrespect to what matters to you:  family, career desire, or any other matters of importance like the environment
• you are expected to carry the weight of the relationship :: carry the values that have been identified as important

"What I am looking for is not out there, it is in me."                                          ~ Helen Keller

Be honest in yourself with what you are hoping for

• Look for good qualities in a person:

• honesty
• where the word is a quality that they prioritize
• has interests, involvement with long-term friends that they wouldn't give up even for you
• politeness, manners, reliability
• support:  altho they may not agree with your stance, they are going to back you
• your greatest cheerleader:  someone who has taken the time to understand you, understands your weaknesses but wants to champion your strength

We rely on each other, vulnerabilities uncovered nor weaknesses disguised.  You should be looking for your champion.  The last thing you need is anyone who is not fairly trying to massage your weaknesses and champion your strength.

These are a few ideas on the dating scene.  The world is conditioned for a team.  You have the choice to decide what makes someone an advocate, cheering in your corner.  You don't need someone who is trying to belittle you or misrepresent who you are all about.

Do your homework.  Decide what are the deal makers and breakers, based on your unique DNA, to create your own unique formula on who should be there for you.  Accept that there are some that meet a majority of your criteria, while understanding what you can live with.

It would be nice to be swept off our feet with a magical partner.  However, once the first giggly dates are behind you, don't be snowed.  Understand that the perfection can wear off.  

Just decide what you can live with and live without.  If you are truly committed to meet someone meaningful, be honest on what would drive you crazy.  Open yourself up to the fact that some deal breakers will not always eliminate a potential date or mate .. because you've identified some qualities you understand bring more value and can cancel out the deal breakers.  

Write down, be honest, on what you know are a write off (can't hold down a job, can't manage finances, lousy job, won't do their share) or whatever else you come up with, then cross-reference the deal makers (punctual, respectful, likes having an extended family, doesn't clip the nail during a movie).  

At some point, you have to realize that some of the deal breakers are very small when offset by some great other qualities.

Have a notebook, write down the opposing forces:  in the long run, you will be thankful and discover that there are people or dates or relationships or possible spouses that can still make the grade.  

You just might find that some of your strongest qualities minimize the other's weaknesses and there is potential laying there, just waiting for you to take the leap of faith.

When a KISS is not a KISS

The Kiss (Lovers) was painted by the Austrian Symbolist painter Gustav Klimt between 1907 and 1908, the highpoint of his "Golden Period", when he painted a number of works in a similar gilded style. A perfect square, the canvas depicts a couple embracing, their bodies entwined in elaborate robes decorated in a style influenced by both linear constructs of the contemporary Art Nouveau style and the organic forms of the earlier Arts and Crafts movement. The work is composed of oil paint with applied layers of gold leaf, an aspect that gives it its strikingly modern, yet evocative appearance. The painting is now in the Österreichische Galerie Belvedere museum in the Belvedere palace, Vienna, and is widely considered a masterpiece of the early modern period. It is a symbol of Vienna Jugendstil—Viennese Art Nouveau—and is considered Klimt's most popular work.^[2]

Ahhhh, the kiss.  How fitting to begin meanderings about kissing for Valentines Day.  As a matter of fact, I do have a reproduction in my home and it is a favorite.  It sits outside our master bedroom, a subtle reminder of how wonderful the right kiss transcends love and validates "the one".

How you feel when you kiss ?

According to Psychology Today, one hypothesis is that the kiss has evolved as a mechanism for gathering information about potential sexual partners. A kiss brings us into close physical proximity with the other, close enough to smell and taste them. The face area is rich with glands secreting chemicals that carry genetic and immunological information. Our saliva carries hormonal messages. A person's breath, as well as the taste of their lips and the feel of their teeth, signals things about their health and hygiene, and thus their procreative suitability. 

Another hypothesis claims that the kiss functions primarily on the level of psychology, as a way to express and reinforce feelings of trust, closeness, and intimacy with another.

A kiss can seal the deal.

One thing I'm always thankful is having a position of trust with my girls.  As a mother, you have to guard the sacredness of having a relationship with your daughter in which she turns to you in moments of elation and devastation.  One can only hope that you can share her peak times and times of excitement.

In our home, it usually started with "I met a boy...." and would move on to the enrapture and description a daughter would go on to share in confidence while she would be exuberant with excitement and possibilities.

Imparting with excitement, as confidences go, I would be allowed into the secret world that women share when they are optimistic over the possibilities of meeting a great guy.

Of course, I would want to hear the details if she would feel comfortable sharing.  There is always a common thread in my line of questioning:

* how did they meet?

* was it a random meeting or among friends?

* did he treat her with respect?

* what did he do?

* were they drinking, at a club or a party?

* what did he do? (student, job, career?)

* where is he from? 

* how did his kiss make her feel?

Time does have a way of sorting out whether it was the joyfulness of being young, flirting, and being beautiful to the opposite sex.  Bias aside, all three of my girls are beautiful, unique to themselves, wired differently.  

Having external beauty and inner beauty is something I am always reinforcing to them.  I have always gone on about the fact that you can be beautiful on the outside, but your character is inner self is what exudes true beauty.  

They're all quite different and what is important to each is unique.  Yet with each one, I have asked:  "How do you feel when he kisses you?"  As though that is the secret to passion, life and longevity in relationships.

Movies have forever portrayed a swooning, toe curling kiss with fireworks to mean that you have found heaven with that connection.  It may not be as dramatic as all that.  

There is something to be said on whether it leaves one warm, safe, shared intimacy of that singular exchange.  Whether it holds the promise of discovery.  

I'm not talking about a saliva-sucking physical reaction of the moment that fools many unsuspecting ladies to think that the energy is a signal to yield all.

Nor does a friendly hug and peck depict anything other than just that.  More than a regular friend but not the deep connection that can be communicated by something as simple as a kiss.

A kiss can tell you whether he will guard your heart and not trample on it.  It can convey that he may be just as enraptured as you, while just as nervous of exposing his own heart and vulnerabilities.

A kiss is symbolic.

Many women who have been married for a while or for years can often reminisce about that first kiss:  how they felt, how they knew something was spectacularly special, that the exchange was deeply meaningful holding promise, some would say that it told them of a future with this person.

There are famous kisses that have withstood the test of time, even if the relationship was fleeting. The images rarely portray the feelings I've described or experts depict.  Nevertheless, they remain as timeless as the moment they were captured:

Image source:  New York Post

In August 1945, George Mendonsa was 22 years old, a Navy quartermaster on leave from the Pacific theater. He’d dropped out of school at 16 and worked with his dad, a commercial fisherman, in Rhode Island, enlisting in the Navy after the attack on Pearl Harbor: 

So on this joyous and unbelievable afternoon, George  grabbed the first nurse he saw, spun her around, dipped her and kissed her. 

The kiss did kind of bother someone else, though: the woman in the nurse’s uniform, Greta Zimmer, who wasn’t even a nurse. She was a 21-year-old dental assistant from Queens, who, having heard rumors about the end of the war, walked over to Times Square from her office on Lexington Avenue. George says he was so drunk, he doesn’t even remember the kiss. Greta says she’ll never forget it.

Greta Zimmer was born and raised in Austria, and in 1939, after much debate, her parents insisted that Greta and her two sisters flee to America. They were among the last refugees to make it out, and even on the afternoon of Aug. 14, as Greta read the illuminated news crawl declaring the end of the war, she had no idea where her parents were, or if they were even alive.

Charlie Chaplin and Edna Purviance in Behind the Scenes, 1916

Clark Gable and Jean Harlow in Red Dust, 1932

Clark Gabel and Vivien Leigh in Gone with the Wind 1939

Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr in From Here to Eternity 1953 

Disney's Lady and the Tramp, 1955

Breakfast at Tiffany's kiss with George Peppard and Audrey Hepburn, 1961

Great love story: Elizabeth Taylor & Richard Burton Cleopatra, 1963

John Lenon and Yoko Ono 1971

Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia ~ Star Wars 1977

John Travolta and Olivia Newton John in Grease 1978

Dirty Dancing starred Jennifer Grey and Patrick Swaze, 1987

Ghost with Demi Moore and Patric Swatze, 1990

Leonardo Dicaprio and Kate Winslet in The Titanic 1997

Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling in The Notebook 2004

Madonna kisses Britney Spears during the 2003 MTV Video Awards

There you have it:  some famous and infamous kisses ~ some we may remember while others we may want to forget.  Most of the movies are favorites and come recommended as worth watching.

Regardless of who you may be kissing this Valentines:  make it memorable!