Showing posts with label balance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label balance. Show all posts

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Deal makers or deal breakers



I'm a mom with three beautiful daughters and I share the advice that I constantly reinforce:  understand the deal makers and deal breakers in any relationships.

It applies to woman of various ages.   Take all the complaints of a feminine kind, on the men that become part of their lives.

It is time to stop complaining and whining.  You are your destiny.  It is within your own determination and boundaries that set the limits to the man or men you allow to be in your sphere of consideration as to whom you willingly embrace a relationship with.

I am talking about whether you go online and go on to a dating site, or whether you are a millennium woman or a mother of one.  What you both have in common, with the exception of the older lady who is impracing life on a new path solo with the men options before you, or a young 20-30 year-old-something that has moved beyond the dating scene and beyond tangling your heart with a prospect boyfriend.

Do you really know what you want?  Pleasssseee don't be cutting yourself short for a man who is breathing and who says he's looking, waiting, or willing to embrace a real love relationship.

Its time to take stock, regardless of age.  Reality has to be completely and comprehensively taking stock.  Throw off the candy coated eyeglasses before you set your sights so high.  Seeking a romantic relationship is not all about listing a tall list of must haves which I call deal makers, and listing the deal breakers.

I'm divorced, happily married to my second marriage with whom is what I consider and nickname him as a hunkster hubster.  What makes him so?  Well, I evolved over some times, that encompassed my prior ex-husband, there were qualities that allowed him to qualify to be the man that I would hand over my confidence, believe, dreams for  the forever-after.

The first go around, it wasn't like it was the wrong route.  He met many of the checkpoints that my sub-conscious told me that he was the right one to cast all of my preconceptions and dreams behind.  As a 20 year old he met the criteria that was important for  me at the time:


  • he was responsible and was reliable and provided security that is far more important in my 20s
  • I'd envisioned him as someone who was solid, steady, and someone whom could be relied upon.
  • He was the ying to my yang - he was the opposite of me and created a balance that I craved.
  • He was handsome, had some awesome qualities, was an ex-pro-hockey to my serious competitive figure skating ...so athletic balance was a given
  • He was committed to his career and showed signs that he was ambitious.
  • He was accountable and responsible.
  • He had his guy/guy activities, but he was relaxed about me doing my gal/gal stuff
  • There was a balance :: we were happy to hang out at home, yet there was a balance to socializing independent and as a couple

And so on.  It various.  What is your deal makes (solidifies the commitment to the relationship) and the deal breakers ( the red flags, identified as intoler-able behaviors that you cannot see yourself associate with over the long haul.  Things that you know right off as habits or weakness that your honest self says this is just not going to be something I can overcome and give acceptance to.

With this evaluation process, you can easily fall into a comfort zones of what are the deal breakers and deal makers.  What is important in those two identifiers, allows you to develop a backbone and admit to yourself that there are things that are red flags and by frank reflection, you determine that are just too large to overcome.

The easy deal breakers are dishonesty, drug usage, drinking to excess.  

You need to take notes.  What are the items that are the deal breakers or you:  those habits, poor judgement, personal habits (i.e. aggressive behavior, rudeness, disrespectful impression, poor first impressions) that sends someone to the "off" pile right away.

Evaluate the deal makers:  polite, embraces the other parties' family relationships (especially if it is communicated to be important), being true to your word, honest, not telling us what they think we want to hear.

I think it is critical, regardless of age :: someone re-entering the dating and relationship hunt scene or else those that are younger and entering the dating scene.

Regardless of which side you fall on to, there are complicating factors like recovering from a breakup or optimistically putting yourself out there.

You have no business entering the fold unless you have come up with a semi-list, I discourage an ever-ending list.  

Examine yourself :: if you are light sleeper, you may not able to be able to stand a snorer.  Then again, if there is respect, quality of interests, and agreement on not being into substance assistance (i.e. drugs or alcohol) .. be realistic that you can deal with snoring if there is no drugs, a lot of respect, gets along with friends and families, understand that snoring is just one weakness that is easier to accept than so many of the other destructful habits ones would have to deal with :: investigation into sleep apnea, or any other solutions available.

Having said all that, there are clear deal breakers:
  • drug dependancy
  • anger control
  • habitual dishonest (telling right from wrong)
  • exhibits of disrespect to what matters to you:  family, career desire, or any other matters of importance like the environment
  • you are expected to carry the weight of the relationship :: carry the values that have been identified as important

"What I am looking for is not out there, it is in me."                                          ~ Helen Keller



Be honest in yourself with what you are hoping for
  • Look for good qualities in a person:
  • honesty
  • where the word is a quality that they prioritize
  • has interests, involvement with long-term friends that they wouldn't give up even for you
  • politeness, manners, reliability
  • support:  altho they may not agree with your stance, they are going to back you
  • your greatest cheerleader:  someone who has taken the time to understand you, understands your weaknesses but wants to champion your strength

We rely on each other, vulnerabilities uncovered nor weaknesses disguised.  You should be looking for your champion.  The last thing you need is anyone who is not fairly trying to massage your weaknesses and champion your strength.


These are a few ideas on the dating scene.  The world is conditioned for a team.  You have the choice to decide what makes someone an advocate, cheering in your corner.  You don't need someone who is trying to belittle you or misrepresent who you are all about.

Do your homework.  Decide what are the deal makers and breakers, based on your unique DNA, to create your own unique formula on who should be there for you.  Accept that there are some that meet a majority of your criteria, while understanding what you can live with.

It would be nice to be swept off our feet with a magical partner.  However, once the first giggly dates are behind you, don't be snowed.  Understand that the perfection can wear off.  

Just decide what you can live with and live without.  If you are truly committed to meet someone meaningful, be honest on what would drive you crazy.  Open yourself up to the fact that some deal breakers will not always eliminate a potential date or mate .. because you've identified some qualities you understand bring more value and can cancel out the deal breakers.  

Write down, be honest, on what you know are a write off (can't hold down a job, can't manage finances, lousy job, won't do their share) or whatever else you come up with, then cross-reference the deal makers (punctual, respectful, likes having an extended family, doesn't clip the nail during a movie).  

At some point, you have to realize that some of the deal breakers are very small when offset by some great other qualities.

Have a notebook, write down the opposing forces:  in the long run, you will be thankful and discover that there are people or dates or relationships or possible spouses that can still make the grade.  

You just might find that some of your strongest qualities minimize the other's weaknesses and there is potential laying there, just waiting for you to take the leap of faith.

Thursday, February 18, 2016

The one that got away ....





I was having this conversation with my sister the other day.  Heaven help me if I even remember what our train of thought may have been... do you have a sister that you really relate to even though your worlds may seem so far apart?  

                 STOP and have a listen, or play while you read on through 

My sister is as opposite of me as the world could even imagine:

  • she was born in the autumn and I in the Spring
  • we saw our growing up differently: she full of pain; me full of belief
  • while I can come across gregarious she could come across as calm and reasoning
  • our relationships, kids, friends are friends of each other too - they find it easier to like the other
  • you enjoy shopping together and would never imagine skydiving - although one would have if she thought about it while the other wouldn't have dared (me).
  • you both reach for the same things even if our home, our taste, would seemingly be different
Sidetracked again.  Apologies ... then what the heck do you expect of me by now?   It appears as though I have writing AHSD.  Thank goodness not in real life:  I can be excruciatingly organized and detailed while consciously trying not to be so the opposite is perceived.



This is what the conversation was about: the one that got away.  How bizarre eh?

Two sisters of 18 months apart in their fifties having an absurd reminiscence.  Opposite memories, no doubt.  She talked and I listened for a change.  Yeh, not a regular occurrence by any means.

My conscious memory a week later pops this into my head as I'm driving home.  I know I listened carefully.  I am really trying to be a better listener, which is not a natural state.  

She talked about this boy that she really liked when she had run away from home.  As much as she seemed like a radical from candy-coated pink 15-year-old eyes, I seem more like a rebel now that I've hit my 50s.

The memory went on in the manner that this sort does:  what would have or could have happened if she had not broken his heart and stayed with him.  

Astonishing!  The responsible, loving, caring mother, daughter, sister or aunt, was actually rewinding life to check back and check in to what she thought she'd be doing once she hit her 50s.  


STOP and have a listen, or play while you read on through 

So many wondrous movies are about going back in time, less about heading into the future.  It must be a creative dream, to take a situation and from the current state, to what had happened, and how things may have gone differently.  I now realize that the surprise in store for the reader or viewer, is will the hero or heroine return to the current state much differently or very much the same with differences.

That is such  a creative morsel of temptation.  Take a situation or moment in your life, and fast rewind and slowly play forward.  Taking the audience on a ride that even you may not predict.  Will you return differently or much the same with differences ...



What do I mean?  My sister  ... was doing that in a sense.  She was wondering if she had stayed with that very nice boy, not broken his heart, and stayed together.  She wasn't evaluating it, nor was she suggesting that she was disatisfied with how things turned out.

 It was a simple, honest meandering .... My sister  was highlighting what we go through when we hit or 40s and 50s.  We really aren't all that different than we were in our teens.  The ride we'd be on at the time would result in whether we are currently on the ride of our lives, or too conservative.  Or, some of us would recall that maybe they could have been a little bit braver or self-confident at our teens.  Others of us blossom as life and the years make us milder, more content.  While others of us become restless and want to step out.



What would your comfort zone and would you have done things differently then and end up different somehow? 

I am torn between staying the same or being more carefree.  How does one's homelife be the same and yet be reacted far apart?  

I couldn't have imagined things getting any worse so I would madly try to be an over-achiever.  Perhaps some experts would say that was because I was a fighter and did whatever it would take to have a life that would erase anything.  My sister may say that she was acting it out.  


Deal with it now is what most would applaud.  Get it out of your system so you can grow up and get on with life.  In a measured, grounded, spiritual way.  

If you bottle it up you may never know when it will sprout. Maybe that is what they mean by mid-life crisis?  When it hits or skips over anyone, would be a multi-zillion market.  

Many marketers, services or products  are divided into two groups:

ONE:  Going through mid-life crisis.

TWO:  Not.




Are you meandering about the one who got away?  Examine whether you think things would have turned out differently, or would have it made a difference.

Create a balance between the two:  Don't pine for what may have been.  Instead, create the life now that would be a different you .... or the same you with a little change.



Now this is how I really feel:




 


Thursday, February 11, 2016

Awkward remorse

Most of us experience remorse at one time or another in our lives.  We women often feel  regret when we have gone and shopped a little more than we intended.  Cringing at the thought of the next credit card bill or looking at our bank statement.

re·morse
rəˈmôrs/
noun
  1. deep regret or guilt for a wrong committed.
    "they were filled with remorse and shame"
    synonyms:contrition, deep regret, repentancepenitence,guiltcompunction,
     remorsefulness, ruefulness,contriteness; 

I am no different.  Yet, we have to stop the senseless guilt and put to practice some ideas to offset the remorse:

* keep the receipts so you can return the items? That is not always practical because that would mean a hassle or getting around to it before the return policy expires.

* give it as a gift to someone else?
Well, sure that means you are passing your guilt on to someone else (who doesn't suspect the reason behind it.)

* donate it to charity?
Not a bad idea.  Give to someone in need who may like it as much as you do

* juggle the bills to hide the evidence?
Postponing or setting aside financial commitments is not the right way to deal with it.



* tear the tags off and hide the receipts?
That was a trick that my former mother-in-law showed me when I was engaged and we went shopping.  Her imparted advice was: when your husband asks if you're wearing something new, you say:  "No, not at all" (because you make the heck sure you have worn it to work before)


True story to demonstrate the lengths we go to hide the evidence of our shopping excursion: 

A few years ago, my husband and I were relaxing in the family room when my stepdaughter came home and, like she usually did, came in to say a few words before she would scurry into the basement.  This time was a bit different because she was holding a shopping bag. She held it up and asked:  "did someone put this in the recycling bin?" 


  1. One look at me and hubby said:  "busted!"  We all broke into a fit of laughter.  

Well, yes I was.  Guilty that is.  I had gone shopping and with intention of hiding the evidence when I got home, placed the bag in the blue recycling bin.  Later on, when hubby fell asleep on the couch, I would begin my covert operation of sneaking out to the recycling bin and bringing it in to the under the guise of darkness.

I would say I have relaxed the covert operations for the most part.  Recognizing that it was a form of nondisclosure and dishonesty.  It broke the rules of "practicing the Golden Rule" (treat others as you wish to be treated yourself).

Now, I will consciously put aside a small budget every month to allow myself to succumb to shopping fever minus the guilt.  It is a whole heck-of-alot easier.

Friday, December 11, 2015

TGIF Friday can sometimes be lonely on a dark snow covered road

I love Fridays, and actually, I get to experience

one again tomorrow. You see, I've been working

shift work for the first time in my life, going on

two years .......








One who works any 7 day of the week and any 

morning, afternoon or evening or a combination

of any of them all. There is nothing more

wholesome and rewarding as Friday.









A tradition we start in our teens, move into our

dating years, into our children's lives and all 

back again. Most important, in all of those 

memories are the friends we hold dear. 








Yes, I mean you. One who thinks to reach out

every single day. Perhaps for some that is their

brightness for their day. You bring that to

people, the world, and so much more. If you

don't. You should.







I drove along the lonely road

exhaust falling behind as hazy residue



The snow covering winter's total darkness

from light

The city behind with failing from sight



I had a talk with myself in my mind asking: 

are you living the life you designed?



Well, no, my honest voice spoke

Not out loud, for others to vote



It shows in your face when looking down

A slight crease, warding off forming a frown










The music in the background drowned out by the

whop whop whop of the wipers



You realize you've been gripping the wheel so

tightly as though fleeing vipers



Suddenly your grip loosens up ad your chin rises

Your eyes open wider in rejoicements to see



you've arrived at you journey's end without

hitting a tree








The radio's music tempo on the radio reacts

with an upbeat change -even if it is only

snow within eye's range.




You wanted to drive to dispell the worry and conquer the fear

To master the feelings that linger near



So take a drive in sleet and rain

Out of the city lights to clear your brain



Not realizing it as the symbol it was

Daily we face limitations clouded in fuzz










The gift that you strive forward to is 

a new appreciation of facing your fears



Like the miles on the snow ridden highway 

with music's melodic soothing

To hip hop lyrics, guitar strings beats it brings.



Startling us back to the light we should focus on

Appreciate life even on abandoned roads



Forget about work, life's worries, those fears

Instead, reflect upon nice acts of kindness





There is always someone not waiting, nor hoping

for a kind hand to reach out



That may be who you needed to remember as,

for and being about.








 

Your gift is wrapped, even with a bow,

Who it is waiting for, may never know


 
While the whole world may wonder

how you found the calmness you glow




It is for you, about you, the forgiving you,

the worries bursting with warm memories




How odd that it is. All day long, every day, we

see those we know, meet and care about 










Not ones we end up staking our lives, intentions

clouded by being part of a crew.


Forgetting to realize how important we are too.

Wanting to be close to that important crew




It is with caring and optimism that allows gratitude to renew








Written by Jeannette Marshall